Humour Jokes

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HUMOUR JOKES

Man: God, how long is a million years?

God: To me, it is about a minute.

Man: God, how much is a million Rupees?

God: To me, it is a Rupee.

Man: God, may I have a Rupee?

God: Wait a minute.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Teacher: Answer this math problem: if your father earns Rs 1000 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?

Student: A heart attack.

Wife: How would you describe me?

Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: What does that mean?

Husband: Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.

Wife: Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?

Husband: I’m just kidding!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7, 8, 9

What did baby corn ask mama corn?

Where is pop corn?

What does one toilet say to another toilet?

You look a bit flushed.

Q: Why didn’t the sun go to college?

A: Because it already had a million degrees!

What do scientists use to freshen their breath?

Experi-mints!

The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. “I was young, married, and out of work,” he lectured. “I took the last rupee I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for 2 rupees. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for 3 rupees each.” “I see,” said the junior executive. “You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business.” “No,” said the CEO. “Then my wife’s father died and left me a fortune.”

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and Shahrukh Khan.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Never lend money to a friend. It’s dangerous. It could damage his memory.

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?

A: An Umbrella.

Q: What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?

A: You make my temperature rise.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime mates.

What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

“I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”

Q: Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road?

A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the computer show up at work late?

A: It had a hard drive.

Anyone who thinks “talk is cheap”… obviously didn’t pay my daughter’s last mobile phone bill!

You know you’re texting too much when… You type ppl instead of people when writing a letter.

You know you’re texting too much when… …you say LOL in real life, instead of just laughing.

Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?

A: Loafers.

Upon finding a clearly plagiarized paper, I called the student into my office. Pointing to my computer screen, I said, “I found your entire paper online. Do you have anything you want to say about that?” Her angry response: “Well, I paid my sister to write it, but I didn’t think she’d plagiarize!”

Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems.

The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+.

After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood  is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

A defendant isn’t happy with  how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for  a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?

He gave her a ring.

Rani comes home from her first day of school, and her mother asks, “What did you learn today?”

“Not enough,” Rani replies. “They said I have to go back tomorrow.”

Akshay: Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school?

Ajay: Why?

Akshay: She had bright students!

Sameer: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today!

Mom: That’s great. What in?

Sameer: A 40 in Reading and a 60 in Spelling.

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Dinesh: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Dinesh: Yesterday you said it was H to O

Teacher: If you had 13 apples, 12 grapes, 3 pineapples and 3 strawberries, what would you have?

Binny: A delicious fruit salad.

Math teacher: A man from Delhi drove toward Chandigarh at 190 KM per hour and a man from Chandigarh drove toward Delhi at 150 KM per hour. Where did they meet?

Jai: In jail!

Jatin: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Jatin: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Teacher: Why did you eat your homework, Priya?

Priya: Because I don’t have a dog.

Teacher: If I had 6 oranges in one hand and 7 apples in the other, what would I have?

Student: Big hands!

Reference/Citation/Source

International Joke Day 2020: After a Day of Hard Work And Stress, Chill And Have Fun Reading These Jokes

https://www.india.com/festivals-events/international-joke-day-2020-after-a-day-of-hard-work-and-stress-chill-and-have-fun-reading-these-jokes-4072977/