Be Assertive

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BE ASSERTIVE

University is a new and exciting time. When you get to the University, you may be learning for the first time how to speak up for yourself. Being assertive means that you tell others in a respectful way what you want and how you feel about a situation. This includes being direct and clear, maintaining a relaxed posture, and learning when to compromise or say no.

Here are some guidelines which can help you be assertive in different situations:

Asserting Yourself in Common University Situations Speak up in class: Many people in University find it difficult to have the confidence to speak up in class. You may feel intimidated by your classmates or professor, or you may be afraid that you may give the wrong answer. Class participation is important for your education, as you learn how to confidently express your ideas and knowledge.

If you need your professor to explain or repeat something, raise your hand and ask them to explain what they just said. You should make sure that you understand what your professor is saying.
Do your class readings and listen to your professor’s lectures so you can answer questions when they are asked. If you know the material the professor is covering, that will give you more confidence to speak up and answer the question.
Start asserting yourself in class by raising your hand once each class when you know the answer. Sometimes, your professor will just ask for a comment about a topic, which has no right or wrong answer. That is a good time to speak up.
Remember that giving the wrong answer in class is not a bad thing. Part of learning in University is speaking up and learning how to discuss in an academic setting.

Set boundaries with a roommate: Sharing space with another person means you need to assert yourself as you set boundaries. This may be uncomfortable if you have never had to assert yourself before. When you first move in, you and your roommate need to establish what things you share and what you will not.

Example, your living space should be shared equally. If your roommate has his/her stuff in your area, you may want to say, “I don’t mind if you have your stuff in our room, but it’s taking up space in my area. Can you move it back to your space?” or, “We need to discuss sharing this room space. I think my stuff has less space. Can we look into this?”

Stand up to peer pressure: When you are in University, you may find yourself in situations where you have to stand up to others. You may have to assert yourself to say no if you don’t want to do something. You may have to stand up for what’s right if people are saying hurtful or harmful things to another person.

Example, if you are at a party and someone offers you items which you do not want to consume (like alcohol or some food item which you do not normally eat), you can simply say, “No, thank you.” If they keep pressuring you, you can say, “No, I’m really not interested.”
If you hear someone talking badly about someone, try saying, “That kind of talk is offensive and harmful. Please do not talk that way.”

Conveying Your Needs

State your needs: People are not going to know what you need unless you tell them. Assuming that people know things can lead to problems. Being assertive means that you let people know what you want in a clear way so that your needs are met and there are no problems or feelings of displeasure.

Example, if you are working on a team project (which you want it to finish 3 days in advance to have a review and make changes if required), you may want to say, “I want to have this project done three days before its submission. Will you meet with me this weekend so we can work on most of it?”

Use “I” statements: When talking to another person, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This helps you express what you want without blaming the other person. This also helps you be responsible for your feelings.

Example, you may say, “I feel upset when my clothes are returned dirty. I know we like to borrow each other’s clothes, so can we talk about this?” instead of “You always borrow my clothes and you don’t wash them before giving them back.”

Say no: Part of being assertive is learning to say “no”. Saying no doesn’t mean that you are rejecting a person or being mean/offensive. It means that you are just expressing your unwillingness to do this particular thing. Remember that you don’t have to please everyone. You do not have to do everything everyone wants you to. Do what is right for you. on the other hand in some situations you can Suggest a compromise.

Example, you may say, “No, I do not want to go to the movies Friday night; however, I would be interested in playing board games or spend time in your dorm room.”

Be patient: If you have never been assertive, you will not learn how to be assertive overnight. That is okay. It may take a while for you to learn how not to be passive or aggressive, or to get the skills of being assertive just right. Keep practicing, the more you practice the skills of assertiveness, the more comfortable you will become.

Being Assertive in a Conversation

Use proper body language and tone of voice: When you speak assertively, you should adopt the proper cues in your voice and body. Your body should be relaxed and open, which invites communication. Your voice should be firm, but also calm and audible.

Your body should be facing the other person. You should stand tall, but be relaxed.
Maintain eye contact without staring the other person down.
Your voice should be firm, but you should also speak warmly or relaxed. Use short, direct sentences and speak slowly so that you are understood.

Speak with facts: To be assertive, you should learn how to speak in facts instead of criticisms or judgments. This helps to avoid any defensiveness or blame and instead keep the conversation constructive & positive.

Example, you may say, “Your grammar needs work and the sources are not cited correctly,” instead of making a general statement “Your work is not up to the mark and is shoddy.”

Use clear statements: When communicating what you want, you should use clear, direct language. Use statements like “I want…,” “I need…,” “I disagree. I think…,” or “I won’t…”

Listen to the other person: A good part of being assertive is listening to the other person. This includes their opinions, their suggestions, or their concerns. Remaining calm and respectful helps keep the conversation constructive and helps both of you to be heard.